The Test: A Lesson in Kid Cleaning

As you may or may not know, we are soon to be moving into our new house and I’ve been making plans for how to make the house run in a more orderly fashion.  Mind you, I’m not looking for perfection, just some simple rules that will translate nicely into adulthood—because I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults.  And because, quite frankly, I’m tired.

because I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults

Therefore, I thought creating a simple test might be the best way to reinforce what I’ve been trying to teach my three precious offspring in the past several years.  As I wrote, I couldn’t help but hope and pray that you would identify with me and feel something akin to great empathy. think that this could be useful for other working moms and/or dads out there who sometimes feel a tad overwhelmed by all the chores.  I will be handing out and grading this test Saturday morning before we begin moving our things….

The Test:

1.  What is an appropriate use for an ever-so-lovely dish towel or hand towel?
   1. They should be used for drying your hands or water from a clean counter.
   2. Mom should find the heart of miscellaneous hunted animals wrapped in them.
   3. They should be used for cleaning red juice stains from your carpet.
   4. They should be used as bath towels.
   5. Why are there red juice stains on the brand new carpet?!?!
2.  If you make a mess, what should you do?
   1. Clean it up, and HURRY!
   2. Blame someone.  Anyone.  Like Santa. Or a wild hog.
   3. Exit stage left and plan spa day for Mom.
   4. ‘a’ but sometimes ‘c’ will work if you play it just right.
3.  Where should dirty socks be deposited?
   1. Next to the hamper.
   2. Under the bed.
   3. In the couch cushions.
   4. In the hamper.
4.  Where should dirty socks be deposited?
   1. Under the driver’s seat in the car, inside a McDonald’s cup.
   2. In the corner of the garage wadded in a ball.  With bird feathers stuck to it.
   3. They come out of the lawn mower with holes in them, I have no idea why.  I need more socks.
   4. In the hamper.
5.  Where should dirty socks be deposited? (It bears repeating.)
   1. Under Mom and Dad’s bed. As quietly as possible.
   2. Behind the toilet. Because I missed the bowl when I threw them.
   3. In your pillowcase along with a dirty spoon from eating ice cream long after you were told to go to bed.
   4. In the hamper.
6.   Should couch cushions ever contain random popsicle wrappers, pencils, meat, or socks?
   1. Yes
   2. Hell No
7. When a trash can overflows, do you:
   1. Put trash next to it, but ever so neatly?
   2. Take the bag out and replace it with a new one?
   3. Leave the trash on the table.  With a note. To Mom.  About doing her job?
   4. Pretend not to notice and wait for Mom or Dad to do it?
8. Muddy boots:
   1. Stay on your feet while you trail through the house and feign innocence.
   2. Need to be cleaned with an ever-so-lovely dish towel.
   3. Stay in the garage.
   4. Should be thrown away and new ones purchased.
9. When you are looking for something, you should:
   1. Ask Mom where it is.
   2. Blame a sibling for stealing it and prepare to rumble with them.
   3. Demand another one.
   4. You should have put it where it belongs, otherwise, it’s wherever you last left it.  So remember where you last left it.
10.  When mom burns a candle, you should:
    1. Enjoy the subtle buttery-vanilla-with-a-hint-of-hazelnut scent and leave it alone.
    2. Stick paper in it and watch it burn.
    3. Do whatever it takes to queue the fire department.
    4. Bust out the marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate while batting your quarter-Asian eyes at Mom.
11.  Are you aloud to eat in your brand new room with brand new carpet and brand new bedding?
    1. Only if I can sneak it in without Mom finding out.
    2. Never.  Not Ever.  Ever.  (unless it’s water)
    3. Only if I can blame someone else for it.
    4. Only if it doesn’t make crumbs or is red.
12. Will Mom know if you broke rule # 11?
    1. Yes.  Mom always knows.  She is on to me like a duck on a June bug.
    2. No.  Because I always clean up after myself.
    3. Answer ‘b’ makes Mom LOL sarcastically.
    4. Both ‘a’ and ‘c’.
13.  Where should the ketchup be stored?
    1. On Dad’s side of the bed.
    2. In the pantry.
    3. On the coffee table.
    4. Hint: the answer should not be ‘a’.
14. If you complain about not having clean socks, where should they have been?
    1. Wedged into the barrel of a gun that needed cleaning.
    2. In the bottom of a pond along with a shoe that just. Didn’t. Make. It.
    3. On the mantle next to the family portrait.
    4. In the hamper.
15.  Mom’s thoughts on laundry:
    1. I will fold it once, you will fold it the second time.
    2. If I washed it and you haven’t worn it, I better not see it in the hamper again.  And I will know.
    3. Bullets and homework should be removed first.  If an explosion happens, or you get a goose egg for homework, it’s not Mom’s fault.
    4. All of the above.
16.  Mom’s additional thoughts on laundry:
    1. Why are there bird feathers in the here?
    2. I know last year’s Halloween costume has not been worn, why is it in here?
    3. All the money I find is mine. It is the cost of your clean laundry.
    4. If you complain about how it’s done, or not done, you will promptly be supplied with directions and detergent.  Best of luck. I’m off to the salon.
    5. All of the above.

Please let me know if I’ve left anything out.  I can always create bonus questions.