Ode to the Swimsuit


Who on God’s green earth had the bright idea to create ‘the swimsuit’?

Today I went shopping on my lunch break to pick up a few items at a store whose name I should probably leave out of this (just in case it burns down later). As I perused the aisles, I came upon the swimsuit section.

First of all, there should be a clearly legible warning sign at the front of this section. This sign should have blinking lights. The entrance of this section should have alarms. IT SHOULD HAVE A BOUNCER.

The sign and bouncer should say any one, or combination, of the following things:

  • Enter at Your Own Risk
  • Humble-Pie Section
  • Clinical Depression May Ensue
  • Prozac on Aisle 9
  • Only Appropriate for Size 5 Teenagers, Young Girls, and Toddlers Section
  • Mothers of 3 and Over 35 by Invitation Only

Really. Is this too much to ask?

But back to the original question–who could’ve done such a thing as to create an article of clothing meant to be worn in front of others that doesn’t cover nearly enough of the parts that we, as women, obsess over endlessly?

Whoever it was, they didn’t think this through. I certainly wouldn’t have done it. As I picked through the countless options, some with ruffles, some with chains, shells, beads, and miscellaneous dental items meant to remove food from between your teeth; only one thing came to mind–a woman would NEVER have done this.

I pushed on though and went to the back of this section (where the less ‘dinky’ swimsuits reside). Low and behold. SPANX is now making swimsuits. This is a dream come true. A miracle if you will. A true act of God.

Or so I thought as I stood in front of the also-not-invented-by-a-woman-3-way-mirror.

While Spanx of themselves are a phenomenon, holding, lifting, tightening, embracing…they cannot do anything for the parts that don’t go in the swimsuit. They just can’t. It’s physically impossible–unless the swimsuit can shoot laser beams around me creating a holographic image of Carrie Underwood (I’ve really thought this out).

This is really me, this is really me This is not a holograph. This is really Carrie…er…me…

Other things can be blamed on us: fall of man, the Trojan war, soap operas, sure…whatever.

But not this. This is too much. We wouldn’t have done this. This may forever be a mystery.

But ’tweren’t a woman.

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One thought on “Ode to the Swimsuit

  1. Pingback: What My Mom Calls Me « thetinkeringbelle

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