I realize that Mother’s Day is truly a time to honor moms everywhere who sacrifice and toil for their children endlessly so they can know love. But my Mother’s Day somehow ended with a story all it’s own. After church, a nap, an amazingly pleasant early dinner at my MIL’s (where by all counts the men should’ve served us food while fanning us with banana leaves, but whatever), we then finally went for a visit to The Ranch to see my own dear, tiny, somewhat quirky and eccentric, and hard-to-understand mother. This. THIS is where the real story begins.
Courtney’s version (as posted on Facebook):
“Ok here’s the real story. We’re walking up to the front door when my protector instinct alarm is just ringing like a fog horn in my ear. I ring the door bell and little baby Tanner sees a child’s garden hoe he wants to play with. Well as he grabs the child’s garden tool I notice that that’s the area my instincts are telling me the danger is in. So I (very swiftly and protectorishly) go to little baby Tanner and scoop him out of harms way just in time for snake scientifically known as ‘bite-us-ur-@$$-us’ (that would be a copperhead, Gina) to strike at him. When I turned back to calmly convey to the other children and Gina that there is danger present, I noticed that Connor (our oldest offspring) was holding his foot crying and Delaneigh (our middle offspring) was on the ground unconscious. I then grabbed the three helpless children and carried them to safety and called out to the one person who was missing… I said “Gina where are you?!” I heard no response so I called out again “Gina where are you are you injured!?” Out of the corner of my eye I see a silver family car speeding away kickin up all kinda dust gettin the heck outa there… So I realized I was going to have to go this alone. So I grabbed the deadly snake with two fingers and released it into the wild at a deadly snake sanctuary. Later when I asked the children what had happened to them on that day of days they said “We’ve never seen a person move like that. (Connor) she stomped on my big toe!!! (Delaneigh) then she jumped in the air and kneed me in the back of the neck!!” So I kissed their wounds and told them it will be alright.
While he is sort of right in that his protective instincts kicked in instantly and he very bravely faced the foot-and-a-half long copperhead to the bitter end, he is totally wrong in his perception that I was knocking down small children on my way to the car.
I will in fact, give him a 10 in protective instincts with critters–snakes, wild hogs, skunks, and bugs. However, he underestimates my own peace in the face of adversity. And he overestimates his ability to calmly handle certain normal, typical, everyday-type situations such as: dentists, doctors, shots, stomach viruses–and for this I will score him at a 1.3.
Case in point: Connor was choking on a piece of meat once when he was 4. Connor jumped up and started running around the table. Courtney jumped up, flapping his arms–like wings–screaming “He’s choking! He’s choking!” I thought he was going to go airborne, he flapped so hard. He broke out into a cold sweat. His face turned red. He fell to his knees, pumping his fist at the sky, cursing himself and the meat that he had prepared (dove meat, wrapped with bacon), guilt rose within his body like bile as he watched his son take a lap around the table with clogged airway. He leapt through the air (wing-flapping was again involved) and hugged Connor’s feet, beseeching him not to succumb to the meat lodged deeply within his tiny throat. The name of our Dear Lord and Savior was called upon in agony. He thrashed wildly upon the ground willing his dying son to hold on, that he had plans for college, sports…grandchildren. This was a matter of 3 seconds.
Calmly, I walked to Connor, lifted him and turning him swiftly upside-down, whacked him on the back, stuck my finger into his throat, meat fell out, and I kissed him and said “Are you better?” To which Connor coughed once and said “Thanks Mom! You’re the best!”
Lessons learned this weekend:
1) This is a copperhead. If you see one, don’t touch it.
2) While I’m at it:
This is poison ivy. If you see it, don’t touch it either.
3) I have a blog, and I can say what I want on it.